fair to middling expectations

(Note to K&K – Yes, I’m stubborn and don’t respond well to anything remotely resembling pressure…so my initial reaction was to not post out of spite…and an intense desire to make my own decisions and take care of my own life, thank-you-very-much. But Ma says “Maybe you need to work on that…”)

My problem lately is this: I feel like I don’t have much to say. Especially when you all seem to expect some great and wise insight, or at least something mildly amusing. Expectations lead to Pressure to Live Up to Them. Pressure, for Shannon, usually leads to Shutting Down and/or Shutting Out. Or, in this case, Shutting Up. (Ok, so I’m not really blaming my lack of posting completely on you. I’m trying, though.)

I have been thinking about Expectations a bit, however. Mostly, of course, about my own expectations, and how others consistently fail to meet them. (Much easier, you know, and more comfortable, to think about that than the reverse.) It just seems like the past year has been extraordinarily full of disappointments and a shocking lack of follow-through from a number of people in my life. I’m not talking about someone just being late to appointments (though you know how I feel about punctuality). I’m talking about someone not showing up at all; no phone call, no explanation, no attempt at apology, nothing. (And more than one person has done this.) Making commitments and utterly, utterly failing to follow-through. Saying one thing, doing another. Not being the kind of friend I expect a brother or sister in Christ to be.

Are my expectations too high? Am I too quick to judge, to condemn? Do I place altogether too much importance on myself and how I think others should act? Am I inviting disappointment, even expecting it, then feeling justified for having known all along someone would fail me? Do I embrace the victim’s role, tragic and abused?

Should I give up on expecting anything from anyone?

And the worst part is the fallout. People usually know when they’ve disappointed you, even if you don’t say anything. They get uncomfortable. Awkward. Defensive. And then they hide. And being the Greatly Offended Party, I usually feel no desire to seek them out. It is, after all, their fault. And the awkwardness just grows, becoming nearly a living but deadly monster, suffocating the relationship. Some of my relationships have been thus wounded, I fear some mortally so.

Am I not at greater fault? Isn’t it the Lord’s expectation of me to build the fellowship, nurture and mend? To forgive? To attend to the plank, and all that? But even then, even doing those good things, do I not sometimes simply exchange my role from that of the Victim to that of the Martyr?

And do I not do unto others just what they have done unto me? And do I not do so unto the Lord, as well? If I feel I’ve disappointed Him, I get uncomfortable. Awkward. Defensive. And I hide.

Thank God for Grace. For being a God that seeks me out when I hide, and bids me to return and lift my face to the sun. And for being a Covenant God, One who never forgets to show up.

May we grow in His love, dear ones. For Him and for each other.


(But just so you know, I posted because I wanted to, not because you asked...)